There are some strategies that can help you cope, even when everything feels completely bleak and hopeless. Just talking can be a real lifeline. Seeking out others who've been through similar experiences, informing yourself about all your options and taking time to rediscover some of the things you used to enjoy can all be beneficial.
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Counseling
Many couples start out feeling that they don't want, or need, to see a counselor, and that they have a good network of friends they can talk to. This kind of support is invaluable, but there may be certain areas you can't broach with your friends, times when you don't feel they entirely understand, or when you simply feel that you must be starting to bore them with your problems.
In these situations, talking things through with an independent counselor may be the answer. Some couples are wary of seeing a counselor because they feel it might suggest that they can't cope, but in fact it simply shows that you are doing your best to help yourself in a difficult situation.
'I see a counselor at the IVF clinic. I've seen her two or three times and it is very helpful. It's not just confined to the IVF. We talked about problems with my job, and she said maybe that was somewhere I could actually take some control back, rather than feeling that my fertility was out of my hands and my job was out of my hands. She is very good.' Corinne, 36
Sharing the experience
Talking doesn't just help you deal with what is happening, it may also help other people going through the same experience. The more open you are about your infertility, the more likely it is that you will find others among your network of friends and colleagues who may be going through the same thing. Local support groups, national networks and online forums can all play a vital role, and are an invaluable source of information and advice.
Informing yourself
Learning more about fertility, about tests and treatments, is a vital step in regaining control over your life. Once you start to try to help yourself, and to inform yourself about your options, this will give you the sense of regaining some control over what is happening, and can help increase your confidence.
'One of the things IVF did for me was turn me into a massive investigator. I did loads of research myself because I like to be in control of my own destiny. I didn't find it as emotionally stressful or demanding as other people did because I really tried to stay in control as much as I could and not be shy of asking questions.' Helena, 34
Taking a break
You may feel you have stepped onto a conveyor belt you can't get off when you are going through fertility treatment, and sometimes couples find it useful to take some time out for a while to help put things back into perspective.
'You are on a roller coaster and because you are conscious of your age, you dare not take time out. The best thing I ever did was take two years off. We looked at adoption and I started doing things to help my confidence, which I had lost. I started running. I even went out and got drunk a few times. It made a difference to me, and a difference to my relationship with my husband.' Alison, 38
However hard it may seem at the time, there will be an end at some point. You may decide you can't face the thought of fertility treatment, you may feel you don't want to go through any more after having unsuccessful treatment, you may feel that you want to adopt or to try to learn to live without children - or you may be successful, either with medical help or naturally. Whatever happens, the experience of infertility may be dulled but will never entirely leave you. Women who get pregnant after spending years trying to conceive sometimes feel it has changed the way they experience pregnancy and motherhood. However, this change is not always negative.
As hard as it can be to imagine when you are still going through fertility tests or treatments, you may feel at the end that you have gained some positive things from the pain you have suffered. To find out more, you can check out What Are Some Ways Of Getting Pregnant.
