Lost confidence and control
The process of going through fertility tests and treatment can be demoralizing, and normally forthright women sometimes find themselves becoming strangely meek when faced with a doctor who holds the power to help them achieve their dreams. The indignity of many of the tests and treatments is scarcely a confidence booster, and the lack of control over what is happening can make you feel helpless. Women often say they feel there is nothing they can do to influence the outcome of any treatment or to make things better for themselves. It can make you angry and frustrated, and this sense of powerlessness may be particularly hard for women who have been successful elsewhere in life.
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| Struggling With Infertility |
'I hated not having what I wanted and not being in control. I don't think it helps if you are goal-orientated and competitive, used to working hard and achieving whatever you want to achieve. It was humbling for me to realize that we are in the lap of the gods, and that sometimes there's nothing you can do about things, no matter how much money or effort you put into them.' Julie, 40
The race against time
There is inevitably a lot of waiting involved in fertility treatment, not just during the two-week wait to find out whether you are pregnant or not, but also when you are waiting for appointments and referrals, for tests and results, and this sense that time is slipping away can be particularly hard if you are already worried about your age.
'I feel like I'm standing still while everyone else runs on past me. There are people I know who started trying after we did and are now having their second child.' Corinne, 36
Your relationship
The stress of infertility can take a toll on how you get on with your partner, and the emphasis on baby-making can affect your sexual relationship too. About a third of patients going through fertility treatment say it has a negative effect on their relationship. If one of you feels responsible for the fertility problem, it can cause guilt, and you may adopt different coping strategies. Some women say that they want to talk about the situation more than their partners and that infertility can be difficult for men to cope with. However, it is not just a matter of men and women dealing with things differently, and lesbian couples may experience strains on their relationships during fertility treatment too.
'When I first started trying to get pregnant, it had a huge effect on my relationship because it was very stressful. I always felt I was more obsessed about it. and I was getting more and more obsessive and my partner was getting more and more distanced from it all, and ultimately getting to the point where she felt she didn't want to have a child at all.' Naomi, 39
Research suggests that for every couple who find their infertility has a damaging effect on their relationship, there is another couple who find that going through such a stressful experience together strengthens their relationship.
'It did bring us closer all the time, I've seen people where they are driven apart and that's sad, but it just brought us closer because we were having to go through so much,' Ann, 44
Grief
When fertility treatment is not successful, both partners can feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness, and of grief. It may sound odd to experience grief for something you've never had, but we grow up with expectations about life, which may include having a family of our own. We may have imagined what our children might be like, and how we would want to bring them up, and there is a sense of grief when we realize we may have to let go of this dream. One of the most difficult things about infertility is that there is no knowing when it will end. We may feel there is no hope, nothing to look forward to, and no guarantee that there will ever be a conclusion to the situation. To find out more, you can check out Struggling With Infertility.
