Counseling should be offered at any clinic that carries out fertility treatment. You may feel you don't need counseling, but it can really help with the emotional trauma of not being able to have a child, and is often beneficial if you end up having fertility treatment. It is worth checking whether counseling is included in the cost of any treatment. You may also want to know whether there is a counselor on site, or whether you would be expected to see someone elsewhere.
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Some women feel uneasy about seeing a counselor, as if it is an admission that you are not coping, but counseling can make all the difference to how you feel about your situation, particularly if you find someone you like and trust.
'We had no support from family, and friends were limited, so we had to revert to the counseling that the hospital provides, and it was wonderful. It really was an outlet for us. We went very regularly, every four weeks, for a long time. It was just nice to be able to talk about our problems.' Emma, 38
Lesbian couples and single women
Single women and lesbian couples may find that not all clinics will treat them, although the situation has changed considerably in the last few years and there is much less prejudice about this. Attitudes do vary from clinic to clinic, and if you have a choice it may be worth gauging the reception you will get before coming to a decision.
'I did phone around clinics and some were quite blatant, and actually quite rude, just saying they didn't deal with lesbians. At some points I did feel like the door was being slammed in our face, but we did find clinics that would deal with us.' Sarah, 28
Reputation
The vast majority of fertility consultants and clinics are highly reputable and their services are closely monitored to ensure they maintain good standards, but some patients do feel unhappy with their treatment. There should be a proper complaints procedure in place at every clinic if you are concerned about something, and if you have any doubts about the treatment you are being offered, you should make sure they are answered before you agree to go ahead. Really thorough research is undoubtedly helpful if you have a choice of clinics.
'I looked up IVF clinics, went to visit all the different doctors and as soon as I came out of the consultation I wrote a list of the pros and cons of each doctor, I put down everything from the smallest detail, things like how I felt when I walked into the clinic and whether I liked the receptionist, all the prices and that kind of thing, everything I could possibly drag out of my head. I just weighed them all up.' Debbie, 44
Telling other people
Some couples tell their friends and family as soon as they make the decision to start trying to have a baby, which means they will realize fairly soon that things aren't going according to plan. If you haven't told anyone you're trying, you may start feeling pressured by people asking you when you're going to get round to it, and sometimes it is easier just to be honest and say it is taking longer than you hoped, which will usually put an end to the conversation. It is common not to want to tell people you've been trying unsuccessfully, as this may feel like admitting something is wrong when you haven't really come to terms with that fact yourself.
How you feel about telling people depends a lot on your relationships with individuals, whether they are members of your family or friends. Some people don't understand and don't know how to deal with it, whereas others are very sympathetic. It can be helpful to have a friend to confide in if you are feeling upset, but people don't always react in the way that you would hope, and one of the most common complaints is that other people just can't seem to say the right thing. You are probably quite sensitive, and although your friends and family may be trying to be helpful, it won't always feel that way.
'You can't talk to anybody about it because they just don't understand. Unless you've been through it you haven't got a clue. It can be difficult but you just put up with it and put on a brave face.' Nikki, 35. To find out more, you can check out What Are Some Tips To Getting Pregnant.
