Things To Improve Chances Of Getting Pregnant

Accepting your decision
 
Although it is far from uncommon for children to be brought up in lone-parent families, women who have actively made the decision to do this often feel that they face criticism and need to justify their choice. Having a child alone is not something you would necessarily have chosen to do, and women often resort to this because they are aware that time is running out, and fear they may miss out on the opportunity of having a child entirely if they keep waiting for the right partner to come along. The fact that this may not have been your first choice doesn't mean it is a bad choice, although you will have to come to terms with the idea that your future is probably not going to turn out the way you might have envisaged it.

Things To Improve Chances Of Getting Pregnant

'It was really hard accepting that I'd be having my first child at the very least on my own, that I won't know the father, it will be a stranger, I am not going to have a husband who loves me sharing this with me. Coming to terms with that took me quite a long time. Now I have accepted that I've got to do it this way I don't feel I am doing an immoral thing, just the best l can do in the circumstances.' Thea, 39  

Telling other people
 
Telling friends and family that you are planning to have a child alone can be difficult. Whereas some people will be incredibly supportive of your decision, you have to accept that not everyone will understand. It may be particularly difficult to tell your parents, who may feel sad that their daughter is not going to share the experience with a partner, or worried about how she will cope. Other parents are just delighted that they will, after all, have the opportunity to be grandparents.
 
'My mother had made a few disparaging comments at various times about single parents and I was anxious about how she'd take the news. The doctor asked if I'd told her, and on my next visit to my parents, I broke the news. I couldn't believe the look of utter joy on her face. She had no grandchildren at the time, and had clearly always wanted a grandchild but had been very careful to hide her desire.' Ruth, 45
 
The practicalities
 
So how do you go about getting pregnant when you don't have a partner? The prospect may seem daunting, but can be surprisingly straightforward once you are sure it is the right way ahead for you.
 
First steps
 
The first step is probably to talk to your doctor. Some women do try to bypass this, but if you have your doctor on your side from the start it can be incredibly helpful not just while you are going through the whole process of donor insemination, which can take a while, but also during the pregnancy, birth and early motherhood. If your doctor is not going to be sympathetic, it is worth finding that out sooner rather than later and signing up with another who is.

'I did see one doctor who said you can't have children until you've got a husband, so you'd better go and find one of them first and forget about anything else. I am quite cross about that because it was one of the times I really needed someone to give me some encouragement to do this. The doctor I see now is absolutely brilliant about it and really supportive.' Thea, 39

Most women in this situation do feel that they want to have their own biological child, to experience pregnancy and birth, but it is also possible for single women to adopt, and this may be an alternative route to motherhood for women who don't have partners. This is not necessarily a quicker, or easier, option, as you will have to go through some fairly rigorous examinations to make sure you would be suitable to become an adoptive mother, but it is something many single women have done successfully. To find out more, you can check out Things To Improve Chances Of Getting Pregnant.
 

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Is it a selfish choice?
 
Many women thinking about having a child without a partner find themselves caught up in moral dilemmas about whether it would be selfish to bring a child into a lone-parent family deliberately. They may fear that they would be short-changing their child, and that being brought up without a father would be inherently emotionally or psychologically damaging.
 

Support Group Infertility

The traditional two-parent family is still held up as an ideal (despite the fact that it is no longer the norm for many children), and a single mother bringing up a child by herself is often regarded as second best. In fact, the number of parents a child has is not going to be the most important factor for their future happiness, and a child would be more likely to flourish in a happy, stable one-parent family than an unhappy, unstable two-parent family. It is natural for anyone considering a child to think about these issues, and such concerns can be particularly acute for women who don't have large disposable incomes, and may fear that their child will suffer materially for being in a one-parent family.

'I did feel selfish because I thought I should be thinking of the child. He was going to be born into a life where he's only got me who doesn't earn a massive wage and doesn't have a great big house or anything. I think it probably comes from the way we were brought up. You don't have babies on your own, you just don't do it.' Lynne, 36
 
Can you afford it?
 
Although you don't have to be wealthy to choose to have a child by yourself, it is certainly much easier if you are financially stable. There are not just the costs of donor sperm treatment to consider, but also money to cover your maternity leave and the longer-term financial demands of having sole responsibility for a child. You do need to sit down and work out how you will support yourself during your maternity leave, and to ensure that your salary is sufficient to cover childcare coats and other expenses. 

It is worth trying to save some money if you possibly can, and aiming to pay off any outstanding credit-card debts. If you are planning to spend some time at home when your child is young, you have to be realistic about how much money you will need to live comfortably. Obviously, everyone has their own ideas as to what constitutes comfortable, and it is undoubtedly possible to live happily and frugally as a lone parent without large amounts of spare cash. However, it will be far easier if you are not constantly worried about how you are going to pay the bills.
 
Do you have a good support network? 

A good support network of family and friends can really make all the difference to the experience of having a child on your own. Women who have done it by themselves stress that it is important not to expect too much from your friends, who have their own lives to lead and may not always be able to give you all the help you would like, but you will need some support. Having people you know you can talk to, friends or family who can share some of the joys of motherhood with you along with the traumas, will make things much easier. New mothers often find that they feel lonely, whether they have partners or not, and making sure that you have people you can turn to is essential.
 
If you can talk to other women who have made the decision to have a child alone, you will find their insights and advice invaluable. They will not only be able to understand how you are feeling better than anyone else but will also be able to give the kind of practical advice you may not find elsewhere. There are networking groups for women who are lone parents, and for those who have had children after donor insemination, and they can offer helpful information as well as support.
 

'I would definitely say get your friends and your family involved. I've felt so supported. I think it really deepened a lot of friendships and I felt, when I finally did get pregnant and have a baby, as if we'd almost done it as a group. They were closer, much more like aunties and uncles than they would have been if I'd done it with a partner.' Rachel, 42. To find out more, you can check out Support Group Infertility. 

Infertility Support Forum

Many women find that their choices about when or whether to have a child are overshadowed by the fact that they haven't met the right partner. If you are aware of your biological clock ticking, and you want to have a baby before it is too late, this can start to dominate your life. Men have much more leeway and can afford to take time to make the decision to settle down, but, for some women, the fear that they may never meet the right person becomes overwhelming.

Infertility Support Forum

'I felt really desperate all the time; always thinking I wasn't going to meet someone in time. It's an awful lot of pressure. It used to consume me. I was going out on dates and meeting people, but never meeting somebody that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with" Susan, 34

Changing expectations
 
We have much more freedom than our mothers or grandmothers, and there is no longer the same pressure on couples to marry, settle down and start families. Women may not feel the need to have a male provider, and marriage is no longer an institution everyone has to buy into. However, most of us do still grow up believing that we will probably share our adult lives with someone else, but women often wonder how long they should spend waiting for Mr Right when they are getting older and less likely to conceive.

No one expects to find themselves in this situation, but when you are leading a busy life it can just seem to creep up on you. Women who have very successful careers often find that there is little time left for their personal lives, and although making the decision to have a child by yourself involves a huge shift in hopes, dreams and expectations, it may be a logical way forward for women who haven't found a partner but know they want children.
 
Not all women who opt to have children by themselves set out with the deliberate intention of doing this. Some women do have unplanned pregnancies, or get pregnant with a partner who finds he cannot commit once they are pregnant, and must then decide whether to go ahead with the pregnancy alone or to have a termination. For women who know they want to have a child, and who may be worried that they are approaching the end of their reproductive lives, this may feel like an opportunity to become a mother that they cannot miss.

The wrong relationship

Men don't have biological clocks, and although there is some evidence that they may become less fertile with age, they certainly don't have the same time pressures. Men in their thirties may feel that they would like a family one day, but have no great motivation to get on with it sooner rather than later. It can be difficult for a woman who knows she wants to be a mother, yet finds herself with a partner who is not ready for the responsibility.
 
'I was going out with somebody who was a commitment phobe. He kept making it sound as if we were going to start trying for a baby and get married at any minute, but nothing ever happened. He spent the whole time insisting that he wanted to have children, and he was very convincing. Twice he said he'd try for a baby and then changed his mind and said he couldn't do it.' Thea, 39
 
Finding yourself with a partner who doesn't want a child when you are determined you do is not only a problem for heterosexual women. Lesbian relationships can be affected in just the same way.
 
'I'd been in a long-term relationship, and it split my relationship up. I was purely interested in getting pregnant. I think she was quite angry with me because she didn't want me to be making that choice. She thought I was choosing it over being with her, being in a relationship,. Ellie, 44
 

Thinking It Through

Having a child by yourself is not a decision anyone takes lightly, and most women spend a great deal of time considering the consequences and implications of opting to become a lone parent before going ahead. There are some key areas that can cause problems, and you will want to have thought through them first. To find out more, you can check out Infertility Support Forum.
 

Only Ways To Get Pregnant

Surrogacy
 
For women who cannot carry a baby themselves, surrogacy is an option that may offer hope to those who have all but given up on the possibility of ever having a child of their own. A surrogate mother carries a baby for the couple, and hands it over to them after the birth. Surrogacy usually involves the use of the male partner's sperm, and may use an egg from the female partner, the surrogate herself or a donor.
 

Only Ways To Get Pregnant

In straight, or traditional, surrogacy, the surrogate uses her own eggs. She either inseminates herself with the male partner's sperm or goes to a clinic for insemination. This form of surrogacy is cheaper and may seem easier, but emotionally it can be more difficult for both the surrogate and the parents if she is making use of her own eggs.

With host surrogacy, the eggs of the female partner or donor eggs are fertilized in the laboratory using the male partner's sperm, and then returned to the surrogate's womb. This method is particularly helpful for women who are still producing their own eggs, but cannot carry a baby. It is more expensive and more invasive for the surrogate, but it may be less demanding emotionally for everyone concerned.
 
Whichever path is chosen, the surrogate will carry the baby and give birth, after which she will hand over the child to the intended parents who must then go through a legal process to become the official parents. Surrogate mothers do not get paid for what they do, but they are entitled to expenses. These can be substantial, and are not just the odd bill for folic acid supplements and maternity wear, but may cover for loss of earnings, travel, childcare, antenatal care, life insurance and even help around the house. During the nine months of pregnancy, these costs can mount considerably and surrogacy is not an option for couples with limited funds.
 
There have been cases in the past where a surrogate mother finds she cannot go through with the process she has started, and this is why it is absolutely vital that surrogacy arrangements are done through the proper channels. There are organizations that can help you find a surrogate mother, and who will work through the process with you. It is worth using any help of this kind you can access, as surrogacy is a complicated process and only those who have been through it themselves are really aware of all the potential pitfalls. 

'You feel so disempowered because you are so desperate for a baby, and you're very open to being exploited. Our first experience was very negative in the end, and the surrogate terminated the relationship having said she would try with inseminations for up to a year. We had been looking at traditional surrogacy, but the way we'll be doing it this time is gestational surrogacy and I think I feel a lot happier with that' Claire, 44

Adoption and fostering
 
Once we started adoption, it wasn't about having a baby to substitute the baby we couldn't have, it was all about having a family and being able to do family things like going to the beach, going to the zoo. We've been able to do all those things, which has been amazing because there was a time when we never thought we'd be able to.' Mary, 38 

Adoption is something many couples consider when fertility treatment hasn't worked, or they are told it is unlikely to succeed. It is a permanent legal way of finding a new family for children who cannot live with their birth parents. You take on responsibility for the child you have adopted, who becomes part of your family. Fostering, on the other hand, is a temporary arrangement where a child comes to live with you for a while but is likely to return to his or her family at some point.
 
The children who need adoptive families are often older children who may have brothers and sisters they want to stay with. They may have special needs or disabilities, and many have had difficult experiences in their early lives. This can make them quite challenging children to look after who may need a lot of time and attention.

Some couples prefer to try to adopt a child from overseas, where there may be more babies and younger children who need new families. If you do opt for this, you need to be aware that it can take a long time, and can be expensive. You will still need to go through the same assessments as if you were adopting at home, but there will be the additional complications of bringing a child from overseas. Many couples have adopted from overseas successfully, but you do need to have thought about the implications of taking a child away from their natural culture and heritage, and how you will deal with this as they get older.

The adoption process is fairly lengthy, as it is essential to ensure potential parents are right for children whose past experiences may have made them very vulnerable. There will be a detailed assessment carried out over some months, and once you have been approved to adopt you will then have to be matched with a child, which can take even longer.
 

'Adoption is just another roller coaster: off one and straight onto the next. There are long periods of waiting with big stresses, big highs and then the occasional crashing back down to earth with a bump,' Nic, 33

After going through years of traumatic fertility treatment, the decision to stop and go down another route to parenthood can be a relief. Most adoption agencies recommend that couples leave some time and space before they start on the adoption process if they have experienced fertility problems and treatment. It may take longer than you think to recover if you have spent some years going through treatment, or hoping to conceive, and it is important to give yourself a breathing space before leaping into adoption. Once you have decided to go down this path it can be hugely rewarding. To find out more, you can check out Only Ways To Get Pregnant.

Different Ways Of Getting Pregnant

Donor sperm 

Couples with fertility problems have been using donor sperm since the 1930s, although the pioneering doctors who first used the technique met with considersble hostility from both the medical profession and the general public. Despite this, the use of donor sperm for male fertility problems became a very common form of treatment. The advent of ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) in the 1990s gave new hope to men who would have had to use donor sperm in the past.

Different Ways Of Getting Pregnant

ICSI allows men with impaired fertility to use their own sperm, which are injected right into the eggs in order to fertilize them.

If you are using donated sperm, the insemination can usually be carried out in a normal cycle unless the woman has ovulation problems. ICSI, on the other hand, does involve going through the whole IVF experience with drugs and egg collection, and is more expensive. There are still some male factor fertility problems that cannot be solved by ICSI, and in these eases donor sperm may be the only way ahead. Donor sperm is also used by single women and lesbian couples.

Sperm donors are screened before they are allow to donate, and their sperm is tested for infections such as HIV, before being kept frozen for six months. As with donor eggs, counseling is a vital part of the treatment process if you are using donated sperm, and any potential problems tend to arise when couples haven't had adequate counseling.
 
'We didn't have any counseling using donor sperm. My husband didn't really want to do it until we decided that was the only way. The consultant sold it to us. He didn't suggest ICSI. He just decided donor sperm would be the best way to handle it and he said he could get donor sperm from a bank which had plenty in stock.' Sonia, 34
 
There are now shortages of donor sperm and some clinics have long waiting lists for those who will need to use it. Some women have always preferred to use known donors if they can find someone who is willing to donate, and this is an option that others may now want to consider. Using a known donor means a child can know who their biological father is, and may be able to build up a much closer relationship. Some donors want to be actively involved in the child's life, but many don't want any involvement. This is something you need to have discussed and agreed before going ahead. Women who don't have fertility problems sometimes carry out the insemination themselves at home if they are using known donors, but going through a clinic means the sperm will be screened and checked properly, and should maximize your chances of getting pregnant as your cycle will be monitored too.

Having an anonymous donor can cause difficulties for your child as they get older and you need to have considered how they will feel in the future about this if you have the option of using an anonymous donor, and what you will tell them. There are donor-conceived adults who have found it distressing not to be able to trace their genetic fathers, and although it doesn't inevitably cause problems, you do need to be aware of this. 

'There are kids who will never be able to have any contact with their donor, and will never know anything about them. I think that's quite hard for the kids. Even if my son never meets his donor, at least we know about him and I've got a picture of him, at least we have a bit of history.' Ellie, 44

Donor embryos 

If there are serious problems with both sperm and eggs, some couples may both need to use donor gametes, or to use a donated embryo from another couple. There are fewer embryos donated than either eggs or sperm, and it can involve a long wait. To find out more, you can check out Different Ways Of Getting Pregnant.