Options For Infertility

Child-free by choice 

Women who have made an active decision to be child-free sometimes feel that they are out on a limb too. Despite the fact that so many of us don't live in a traditional family setting with two parents and children, we still tend to see this as the norm. Those who step outside this can feel judged and misunderstood.

Options For Infertility

'There's a presumption that having children and a family is always a good thing, that it is automatically more important, more valuable. Parents and anything to do with children are deemed to be beyond criticism and that, more than anything, can isolate you. Just because I don't want children that doesn't mean I don't like people.' Wendy, 37
 
In fact, statistics suggest that more and more women are coming to the conclusion that they don't want to have children. Some may have always felt certain about their choice from any early age, whereas others do feel a degree of ambivalence about motherhood. Women who know they aren't ready to have children, and are certain they don't have any maternal instincts, are often told that they will regret it later if they don't have a child.

Assumptions are often made about the lives and personalities of the child-free based purely on the fact that they don't have children. They may be expected to be rich, successful career women who are simply too busy for a family, but in fact, many women who make this choice are far from the stereotype. You do not need a wonderful career, or a great deal of money, to decide that you'd rather not have children.

'Most people who have kids assume that people who don't have children have a high-flying career or an expensive lifestyle, and think they can't afford children and don't have time for children, which all sounds a bit harsh. There are plenty of us who have normal mundane jobs and pretty normal mundane lives.' Sara, 44

In fact, it is in the workplace that the child-free often feel they suffer most discrimination. Parents may complain about the difficulties of achieving an adequate work-life balance, but employers are actively encouraged to offer family-friendly work environments, and there are often tax breaks and other financial incentives for those who choose to reproduce. Parents may get generous maternity and paternity leave, the opportunity for flexible working and preferential treatment over time off and holidays, which can leave the child-free feeling short-changed.

It can seem as if there are huge gaps in understanding between those who are child-free and happy with their choice, and those who have children and assume everyone else ought to want them too. Some parents find it hard to understand how anyone could deliberately choose to be child-free, and cannot always accept that it is possible to be truly happy without children. Women who have made an active decision not to have children tend to relish the freedom that their choice has given them. They can be impulsive, they can do what they want, when they want to do it. They are not tied down by responsibilities, and can enjoy spending time with their partners. They are perhaps the best illustration that it is perfectly possible to live a rich, fulfilled and exciting life without children. To find out more, you can check out Options For Infertility.
 

Dealing With Infertility

Coming to terms with childlessness 

It will take time to come to terms with the idea of a future without children. If you've always expected to have a family, it involves a huge change in your hopes and expectations about your life. There may be times when you feel very angry about your situation, and the fact that fertility treatment didn't work for you. We all read in our newspapers about the latest advances in assisted conception, and about women in their sixties getting pregnant, so it is hardly surprising that there is a general assumption that treatment is a cure for infertility. There is far less attention to the relatively low success rates, and having your own biological child is often thought to be a simple matter of going to the right clinic or having the right treatment.

Dealing With Infertility

You may feel as if there is a gaping hole in your life at first, and it can seem that there will always be that sense of something missing. It is only when you gradually start to re-build your life again, and to re-adjust your perspective, which has probably been tightly focused on treatment, that this will start to ebb away. It is never going to be easy when other women announce their pregnancies, and you may always feel some envy, and a sense of loss. These are natural emotions in the circumstances, and if you can accept that, it will be much easier to cope with them.

You may find that your confidence is very low, especially if you have suffered the raised hopes and dashed emotions of fertility treatment for some years. You may have suffered depression and deep sadness, which has colored the rest of your life. Many women say they feel they have let themselves and their families down when they cannot have children. You may know that your parents are sad not to have had the opportunity to be grandparents to your child, and that your siblings were longing for a niece or nephew. It can take time to build up your self-esteem, and to come to terms with the fact that you are not to blame for what has happened. Your life may not be the way you had expected or wanted it to be, but that doesn't mean it can't be rich and rewarding.
 
Living without children

'Every day in almost everything that you do, there is a reminder that it hasn't worked out, and that you are not part of normal society. You do feel separate all the time.' Heather, 48
 
You may find that your life is very different from the lives of your friends and family, who may all have their own children. Although some of them will try to include you in their family life, others may assume that you would rather not be involved if they know your circumstances.
 
Some women find that spending time with children is painful and upsetting, but others may enjoy having the opportunity to be around other people's children. It is important to make sure your friends and family know how you feel about this, as it will make things much easier for everyone concerned. Certain social events, and indeed certain times of the year, such as Christmas, can be particularly difficult. If you know you are going to find an occasion painful, you may want to avoid it altogether.
 
You will inevitably have to deal with other people's insensibilities at some point. Try to remember that they are not deliberately setting out to be hurtful, but they may not have the least understanding of how you feel. Some women who have decided to come to terms with a life without children do find it hard to cope with the way our society seems to assume that women automatically become more empathetic and caring once they give birth, and that childless women are somehow harder and colder. You may well find yourself faced with these stereotypes at some point, and it is not always easy to ignore them.

Many women feel lonely and isolated when they are trying to come to terms with childlessness, and it can be difficult if you have built up close friendships with other women going through fertility treatment who go on to have children of their own. It may help to seek out people who are in the same situation, and you might want to join a support group or Internet forum for couples who don't have children. It is not easy to talk to strangers about your most intimate feelings, but it can help normalize an experience that may feel very far from usual in the world outside. Counseling can be beneficial too, as it will give you a chance to work through your emotions, and to work out some strategies to deal with them.
 
Many couples discover they start enjoying their lives again once they have stopped trying to conceive. You may be able to appreciate the good things in your life for the first time for many years. You no longer have to worry about your biological clock, or saving money to pay for more treatment, and you no longer need to wait to make decisions or to change your life. This may give you a new lease of life, a new energy and confidence to be able to go forward and achieve some of the other things you've always wanted. You have freedom, you have opportunities to make the kind of life-changing decisions others may not feel able to take and to discover what you find truly fulfilling. It is not an easy path, and there will be hard times along the way, but most couples do find that, with time, they manage to move on and to enjoy all the other things they have in their lives.

 
'I'd love to say I am completely fine with it, but there is always going to be an element of me, I think forever, that wishes I had children, but it's more in proportion now. There are so many things in our lives I am happy about that wouldn't have happened if we'd had children. It was a catalyst for our lives completely changing.' Isla, 35. To find out more, you can check out Dealing With Infertility.

Living With Infertility

Stopping fertility treatment 

Making a decision to stop fertility treatment, and coming to terms with the fact that you don't think it is going to work for you, can be very difficult. Where you draw the line is dependent on how much you can take before you feel you've had enough. For some women, venturing just a short way down the treatment path is quite far enough, but others carry on pursuing their dream through decades of costly and invasive treatment which can soon become all-consuming. There may always be the temptation to think that you should give it just one more go, or to try a slightly different treatment or new clinic in the hope that it might be the key to having a child of your own.
 

It may be your doctor who effectively makes the decision to stop treatment. Clinics are judged on their success, and if they feel there is little chance of treatment working for you, they may advise you that you need to think about egg or sperm donation, or that you should think about stopping altogether. There will always be another doctor willing to take you on whatever your situation if you have the money to pay, but you should think carefully and be sure that a new clinic can offer an increased chance of success if you have already been advised to stop treatment.
 
Sometimes the deciding factor in stopping treatment is the fact that a couple have reached the end of their financial resources. Fertility treatment is expensive, and funding is often restricted. Couples may be reluctant to let money stand in the way of having a child, and end up taking out loans or scrimping and saving in order to fund their treatment, but there is a limit to how much you can reduce your daily spending, and to how much you can borrow. It can make life seem very miserable if you are spending large amounts of money you don't have on treatment that isn't working.
 
For some couples, the decision to stop treatment begins as a simple need to take some time out and give themselves some space. Fertility treatment is often overwhelming, and can quickly dominate your life. Once you have launched into the process, it takes on a momentum of its own, and it often needs considerable strength to decide that you are going to have a break. It is particularly hard for older women who are aware that their fertility is likely to be declining, and may feel as if every month away from treatment is a wasted opportunity. However, those who do manage to jump off the rollercoaster for a while usually find it very refreshing. Some find they feel more positive about returning to the clinic after some time out, whereas it may make others more certain that they cannot face any more treatment.
 
'We just needed some space. We started to give ourselves other goals. For the first time in three years, we started to make plans for the future that didn't involve children.' Nicol, 33
 
The decision to stop treatment can be relatively straightforward if one or both partners have reached a point where they realize they cannot go on. You may feel, both emotionally and physically, as if you have reached the end of the line. It may come as a sudden realization that you don't want to put yourself through any more, or you may move gradually towards this point. There will always be a sense of grief at the loss of a long-held dream, but there may also be an unexpected relief that you are finally free from the endless round of tests and treatment, and can get on with the rest of your life.

'I felt I had come to the end of my tether. I was starting to question why I was putting myself through this, why I was putting my husband through it. It wasn't how I wanted to live my life. It was starting to take over and it just became too much. It was a great relief in one way that I didn't have to put myself through this any more, but there was great sadness that it hadn't worked.' Jane, 45

When you are going through treatment, one of the most difficult things is the sense that your life is somehow on hold. You may put off making decisions, or plans for the future, because everything is dependent on whether you get pregnant. You may not apply for a new job, or go for a promotion, or move house, and your fertility problems may seem to dominate every area of your life. Once you decide to stop treatment, you may finally feel that you have got your life back again, and can start making plans for your future. To find out more, you can check out Living With Infertility.

Coping With Infertility

Motherhood as a lone parent 

The reality is that having a child is never easy, and there may be added financial and emotional burdens if you are going through it alone. You will not only have to get through the tough times alone, but you may feel you don't have anyone to share the good times with either. On the other hand, there may be some positive aspects to being a lone parent, as you will be able to make all the parenting decisions, and to take sole responsibility for choosing how you bring up your child.
 

Coping With Infertility

There may be little time for yourself, and this can make it harder to go out and meet new people and start new relationships. However, some women feel this actually gets easier when you have your child first. The desire for a child can put an intense pressure on fledgling relationships when you are trying to assess your partner as a potential parent from the first date, and although time and money commitments may make it harder, some women do meet a new partner after having a child.
 
Changing times 

We tend to think that choosing to have a child alone is a modern-day choice, and it was certainly more unusual a generation ago, but donor sperm has been a possibility for single women for decades, if they could find a doctor willing to treat them.

'I did feel like a pioneer. I didn't know anyone else who had done it. It was very hard, but better than the alternative of asking chaps round to supper who otherwise you wouldn't really want to sleep with. I went to a clinic in London and they agreed to treat me. My godmother hit the roof that I was having an illegitimate child. It wasn't unheard of, but it was awkward. There was still that stigma then. Certainly things have changed in the last 20 years.' Victoria, 63

So, should I do it?
 
Making the decision to have a child alone may not be easy, but it is certainly no longer an unusual choice. What advice would women who have already gone it alone give to others who are considering making the same decision?
 
I can absolutely, hand-on-heart say, aren't I lucky this was possible? Otherwise I would have probably either had a bad marriage and been a desperate woman, or been a bitter, childless woman.' Mary, 41
 
'I'd say go for it. I know lots of people that have regretted waiting too long. I don't know anybody that's ever had a baby and then regretted it afterwards.' Gwyneth, 43

Living Without Children

Whether you are actively child-free or involuntarily childless, you are part of a growing minority of women. Living without children is no longer unusual, partly because more women feel able to make an active choice not to have children, and partly because many others find the opportunity eludes them. Whether you see yourself as child-free or childless, it can still be difficult to feel comfortable in a world where the family tends to be seen as a cornerstone of society.

'The culture we live in is very child-orientated. Children are virtually treated like gods in some families, and everything revolves around them. If you don't have children and you're not a family, then you're somehow not part of the culture that is prevalent at the moment. There's a big child-free section and our voices are totally forgotten.' Sore, 44. To find out more, you can check out Coping With Infertility.

Support Group Infertility

Is it a selfish choice?
 
Many women thinking about having a child without a partner find themselves caught up in moral dilemmas about whether it would be selfish to bring a child into a lone-parent family deliberately. They may fear that they would be short-changing their child, and that being brought up without a father would be inherently emotionally or psychologically damaging.
 

Support Group Infertility

The traditional two-parent family is still held up as an ideal (despite the fact that it is no longer the norm for many children), and a single mother bringing up a child by herself is often regarded as second best. In fact, the number of parents a child has is not going to be the most important factor for their future happiness, and a child would be more likely to flourish in a happy, stable one-parent family than an unhappy, unstable two-parent family. It is natural for anyone considering a child to think about these issues, and such concerns can be particularly acute for women who don't have large disposable incomes, and may fear that their child will suffer materially for being in a one-parent family.

'I did feel selfish because I thought I should be thinking of the child. He was going to be born into a life where he's only got me who doesn't earn a massive wage and doesn't have a great big house or anything. I think it probably comes from the way we were brought up. You don't have babies on your own, you just don't do it.' Lynne, 36
 
Can you afford it?
 
Although you don't have to be wealthy to choose to have a child by yourself, it is certainly much easier if you are financially stable. There are not just the costs of donor sperm treatment to consider, but also money to cover your maternity leave and the longer-term financial demands of having sole responsibility for a child. You do need to sit down and work out how you will support yourself during your maternity leave, and to ensure that your salary is sufficient to cover childcare coats and other expenses. 

It is worth trying to save some money if you possibly can, and aiming to pay off any outstanding credit-card debts. If you are planning to spend some time at home when your child is young, you have to be realistic about how much money you will need to live comfortably. Obviously, everyone has their own ideas as to what constitutes comfortable, and it is undoubtedly possible to live happily and frugally as a lone parent without large amounts of spare cash. However, it will be far easier if you are not constantly worried about how you are going to pay the bills.
 
Do you have a good support network? 

A good support network of family and friends can really make all the difference to the experience of having a child on your own. Women who have done it by themselves stress that it is important not to expect too much from your friends, who have their own lives to lead and may not always be able to give you all the help you would like, but you will need some support. Having people you know you can talk to, friends or family who can share some of the joys of motherhood with you along with the traumas, will make things much easier. New mothers often find that they feel lonely, whether they have partners or not, and making sure that you have people you can turn to is essential.
 
If you can talk to other women who have made the decision to have a child alone, you will find their insights and advice invaluable. They will not only be able to understand how you are feeling better than anyone else but will also be able to give the kind of practical advice you may not find elsewhere. There are networking groups for women who are lone parents, and for those who have had children after donor insemination, and they can offer helpful information as well as support.
 

'I would definitely say get your friends and your family involved. I've felt so supported. I think it really deepened a lot of friendships and I felt, when I finally did get pregnant and have a baby, as if we'd almost done it as a group. They were closer, much more like aunties and uncles than they would have been if I'd done it with a partner.' Rachel, 42. To find out more, you can check out Support Group Infertility.