Many women thinking about having a child without a partner find themselves caught up in moral dilemmas about whether it would be selfish to bring a child into a lone-parent family deliberately. They may fear that they would be short-changing their child, and that being brought up without a father would be inherently emotionally or psychologically damaging.
 |
| Support Group Infertility |
The traditional two-parent family is still held up as an ideal (despite the fact that it is no longer the norm for many children), and a single mother bringing up a child by herself is often regarded as second best. In fact, the number of parents a child has is not going to be the most important factor for their future happiness, and a child would be more likely to flourish in a happy, stable one-parent family than an unhappy, unstable two-parent family. It is natural for anyone considering a child to think about these issues, and such concerns can be particularly acute for women who don't have large disposable incomes, and may fear that their child will suffer materially for being in a one-parent family.
'I did feel selfish because I thought I should be thinking of the child. He was going to be born into a life where he's only got me who doesn't earn a massive wage and doesn't have a great big house or anything. I think it probably comes from the way we were brought up. You don't have babies on your own, you just don't do it.' Lynne, 36
Can you afford it?
Although you don't have to be wealthy to choose to have a child by yourself, it is certainly much easier if you are financially stable. There are not just the costs of donor sperm treatment to consider, but also money to cover your maternity leave and the longer-term financial demands of having sole responsibility for a child. You do need to sit down and work out how you will support yourself during your maternity leave, and to ensure that your salary is sufficient to cover childcare coats and other expenses.
It is worth trying to save some money if you possibly can, and aiming to pay off any outstanding credit-card debts. If you are planning to spend some time at home when your child is young, you have to be realistic about how much money you will need to live comfortably. Obviously, everyone has their own ideas as to what constitutes comfortable, and it is undoubtedly possible to live happily and frugally as a lone parent without large amounts of spare cash. However, it will be far easier if you are not constantly worried about how you are going to pay the bills.
Do you have a good support network?
A good support network of family and friends can really make all the difference to the experience of having a child on your own. Women who have done it by themselves stress that it is important not to expect too much from your friends, who have their own lives to lead and may not always be able to give you all the help you would like, but you will need some support. Having people you know you can talk to, friends or family who can share some of the joys of motherhood with you along with the traumas, will make things much easier. New mothers often find that they feel lonely, whether they have partners or not, and making sure that you have people you can turn to is essential.
If you can talk to other women who have made the decision to have a child alone, you will find their insights and advice invaluable. They will not only be able to understand how you are feeling better than anyone else but will also be able to give the kind of practical advice you may not find elsewhere. There are networking groups for women who are lone parents, and for those who have had children after donor insemination, and they can offer helpful information as well as support.
'I would definitely say get your friends and your family involved. I've felt so supported. I think it really deepened a lot of friendships and I felt, when I finally did get pregnant and have a baby, as if we'd almost done it as a group. They were closer, much more like aunties and uncles than they would have been if I'd done it with a partner.' Rachel, 42. To find out more, you can check out Support Group Infertility.
