Making a decision to stop fertility treatment, and coming to terms with the fact that you don't think it is going to work for you, can be very difficult. Where you draw the line is dependent on how much you can take before you feel you've had enough. For some women, venturing just a short way down the treatment path is quite far enough, but others carry on pursuing their dream through decades of costly and invasive treatment which can soon become all-consuming. There may always be the temptation to think that you should give it just one more go, or to try a slightly different treatment or new clinic in the hope that it might be the key to having a child of your own.
It may be your doctor who effectively makes the decision to stop treatment. Clinics are judged on their success, and if they feel there is little chance of treatment working for you, they may advise you that you need to think about egg or sperm donation, or that you should think about stopping altogether. There will always be another doctor willing to take you on whatever your situation if you have the money to pay, but you should think carefully and be sure that a new clinic can offer an increased chance of success if you have already been advised to stop treatment.
Sometimes the deciding factor in stopping treatment is the fact that a couple have reached the end of their financial resources. Fertility treatment is expensive, and funding is often restricted. Couples may be reluctant to let money stand in the way of having a child, and end up taking out loans or scrimping and saving in order to fund their treatment, but there is a limit to how much you can reduce your daily spending, and to how much you can borrow. It can make life seem very miserable if you are spending large amounts of money you don't have on treatment that isn't working.
For some couples, the decision to stop treatment begins as a simple need to take some time out and give themselves some space. Fertility treatment is often overwhelming, and can quickly dominate your life. Once you have launched into the process, it takes on a momentum of its own, and it often needs considerable strength to decide that you are going to have a break. It is particularly hard for older women who are aware that their fertility is likely to be declining, and may feel as if every month away from treatment is a wasted opportunity. However, those who do manage to jump off the rollercoaster for a while usually find it very refreshing. Some find they feel more positive about returning to the clinic after some time out, whereas it may make others more certain that they cannot face any more treatment.
'We just needed some space. We started to give ourselves other goals. For the first time in three years, we started to make plans for the future that didn't involve children.' Nicol, 33
The decision to stop treatment can be relatively straightforward if one or both partners have reached a point where they realize they cannot go on. You may feel, both emotionally and physically, as if you have reached the end of the line. It may come as a sudden realization that you don't want to put yourself through any more, or you may move gradually towards this point. There will always be a sense of grief at the loss of a long-held dream, but there may also be an unexpected relief that you are finally free from the endless round of tests and treatment, and can get on with the rest of your life.
'I felt I had come to the end of my tether. I was starting to question why I was putting myself through this, why I was putting my husband through it. It wasn't how I wanted to live my life. It was starting to take over and it just became too much. It was a great relief in one way that I didn't have to put myself through this any more, but there was great sadness that it hadn't worked.' Jane, 45
When you are going through treatment, one of the most difficult things is the sense that your life is somehow on hold. You may put off making decisions, or plans for the future, because everything is dependent on whether you get pregnant. You may not apply for a new job, or go for a promotion, or move house, and your fertility problems may seem to dominate every area of your life. Once you decide to stop treatment, you may finally feel that you have got your life back again, and can start making plans for your future. To find out more, you can check out Living With Infertility.
