Once we've made the decision that we want a child, not being able to achieve this for whatever reason can unleash a complex web of emotions. Reproducing is something we expect to be able to do, and when we start to have difficulties conceiving, this can raise all kinds of fundamental questions about ourselves, and our aims and objectives in life. Women often say that it is only when they emerge from the other side of the experience that they realize quite how much infertility has affected them.
 |
| Stress And Infertility |
Shock
The first emotion many women experience when they realize that they are not going to be able to get pregnant easily is shock. We grow up expecting that we will be able to have babies if, and when, we want to, and we just assume that we will be able to do it the straightforward way. There is a stereotypical image of the infertile woman as a sad, desperate and lonely person, and this is not how we want to see ourselves. Although we may judge female success in terms of career and money nowadays rather than proficiency at domestic duties, there is still a stigma attached to not being able to have children. Accepting that you are going to have to spend a lot of time and money at a fertility clinic is going to take a while to sink in, and feelings of shock may be followed by anger and frustration.
Isolation
When you are trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant, it can seem as if everyone else you know is either pregnant or has young children, and it is very isolating. You may suddenly notice how family-orientated our society is when you are longing for a child of your own. The world is full of babies and buggies, and it seems that you can't read a paper or magazine, switch on the television or go shopping without being confronted by constant reminders of what you can't achieve. The fact that you are surrounded by other couples who are also experiencing infertility, tends to be a lot less obvious, partly because we are often reluctant to talk about it.
Women sometimes feel that they start losing friends as a gulf in understanding and experience grows when you are trying to get pregnant, and one by one all your friends are slowly succumbing to the baby bug. Your friends' lives may be changing rapidly when they have young babies, their priorities are no longer the same, and they may not want to go out and socialize or do the things you used to enjoy together. What's worse, you may find you have little to talk to them about when their only topics of conversation are nappy rash, potty training or introducing solids. You may feel you are rapidly shedding friends, just when you need them most. It can take very little time for women who are trying unsuccessfully to conceive to feel cut off from friends and family, and from society at large.
'All my school friends now have children, and all our other friends all have babies. We don't know many people who haven't got kids now. You go out with your friends, and they're all talking about babies. You can't begrudge their happiness, but sometimes it gets to you when you're surrounded by it,' Mikaela, 32
Dealing with social situations
Those feelings of isolation can make certain social situations difficult. Christenings, birthday parties and family events may make you feel awkward, particularly if there are lots of children present. Meeting new people can suddenly become fraught with problems if you find yourself dreading the inevitable questions about whether you have children, and whether you'd like to have a family one day. Christmas, which we tend to think of as a time for children, can be hard, and is sometimes an unwelcome reminder that yet another year has passed and you still haven't achieved your goal.
'It's very awkward for my friends because they've all got children. I have tried to explain, I don't like going to children's birthday parties now because I feel like a spare part. I don't have a child, and I feel like I shouldn't be there.' Monica, 41. To find out more, you can check out Stress And Infertility.
