For women who cannot carry a baby themselves, surrogacy is an option that may offer hope to those who have all but given up on the possibility of ever having a child of their own. A surrogate mother carries a baby for the couple, and hands it over to them after the birth. Surrogacy usually involves the use of the male partner's sperm, and may use an egg from the female partner, the surrogate herself or a donor.
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In straight, or traditional, surrogacy, the surrogate uses her own eggs. She either inseminates herself with the male partner's sperm or goes to a clinic for insemination. This form of surrogacy is cheaper and may seem easier, but emotionally it can be more difficult for both the surrogate and the parents if she is making use of her own eggs.
With host surrogacy, the eggs of the female partner or donor eggs are fertilized in the laboratory using the male partner's sperm, and then returned to the surrogate's womb. This method is particularly helpful for women who are still producing their own eggs, but cannot carry a baby. It is more expensive and more invasive for the surrogate, but it may be less demanding emotionally for everyone concerned.
Whichever path is chosen, the surrogate will carry the baby and give birth, after which she will hand over the child to the intended parents who must then go through a legal process to become the official parents. Surrogate mothers do not get paid for what they do, but they are entitled to expenses. These can be substantial, and are not just the odd bill for folic acid supplements and maternity wear, but may cover for loss of earnings, travel, childcare, antenatal care, life insurance and even help around the house. During the nine months of pregnancy, these costs can mount considerably and surrogacy is not an option for couples with limited funds.
There have been cases in the past where a surrogate mother finds she cannot go through with the process she has started, and this is why it is absolutely vital that surrogacy arrangements are done through the proper channels. There are organizations that can help you find a surrogate mother, and who will work through the process with you. It is worth using any help of this kind you can access, as surrogacy is a complicated process and only those who have been through it themselves are really aware of all the potential pitfalls.
'You feel so disempowered because you are so desperate for a baby, and you're very open to being exploited. Our first experience was very negative in the end, and the surrogate terminated the relationship having said she would try with inseminations for up to a year. We had been looking at traditional surrogacy, but the way we'll be doing it this time is gestational surrogacy and I think I feel a lot happier with that' Claire, 44
Adoption and fostering
Once we started adoption, it wasn't about having a baby to substitute the baby we couldn't have, it was all about having a family and being able to do family things like going to the beach, going to the zoo. We've been able to do all those things, which has been amazing because there was a time when we never thought we'd be able to.' Mary, 38
Adoption is something many couples consider when fertility treatment hasn't worked, or they are told it is unlikely to succeed. It is a permanent legal way of finding a new family for children who cannot live with their birth parents. You take on responsibility for the child you have adopted, who becomes part of your family. Fostering, on the other hand, is a temporary arrangement where a child comes to live with you for a while but is likely to return to his or her family at some point.
The children who need adoptive families are often older children who may have brothers and sisters they want to stay with. They may have special needs or disabilities, and many have had difficult experiences in their early lives. This can make them quite challenging children to look after who may need a lot of time and attention.
Some couples prefer to try to adopt a child from overseas, where there may be more babies and younger children who need new families. If you do opt for this, you need to be aware that it can take a long time, and can be expensive. You will still need to go through the same assessments as if you were adopting at home, but there will be the additional complications of bringing a child from overseas. Many couples have adopted from overseas successfully, but you do need to have thought about the implications of taking a child away from their natural culture and heritage, and how you will deal with this as they get older.
The adoption process is fairly lengthy, as it is essential to ensure potential parents are right for children whose past experiences may have made them very vulnerable. There will be a detailed assessment carried out over some months, and once you have been approved to adopt you will then have to be matched with a child, which can take even longer.
'Adoption is just another roller coaster: off one and straight onto the next. There are long periods of waiting with big stresses, big highs and then the occasional crashing back down to earth with a bump,' Nic, 33
After going through years of traumatic fertility treatment, the decision to stop and go down another route to parenthood can be a relief. Most adoption agencies recommend that couples leave some time and space before they start on the adoption process if they have experienced fertility problems and treatment. It may take longer than you think to recover if you have spent some years going through treatment, or hoping to conceive, and it is important to give yourself a breathing space before leaping into adoption. Once you have decided to go down this path it can be hugely rewarding. To find out more, you can check out Only Ways To Get Pregnant.
